Hello Again

How do you find the words to describe your greatest fear? That is the question I have been struggling with for the last few months. Not knowing exactly what to say, I chose not to say anything. Only now, after enough time has passed and the situation has improved, can I even talk about it.

Last December, my Grandma was hospitalized. This is not an uncommon occurrence. In the last three years, she has been in and out of the hospital dealing with various immune system issues. But when my grandpa called on a Thursday night and told me to come home, I knew this was not the usual hospital visit. I made it in record time, but by the time I got there, Grandma was having trouble breathing on her own. Before they put her on a ventilator, the doctor asked me and my Grandpa a question that I was completely unprepared for, "How far can we go?"

Over the next few days, I rarely left her bedside. Even though she was completely unresponsive, I kept talking to her, hoping that she could hear me and that it was helping her. I was so worried that she would wake up alone and be scared, not knowing what was going on, so I just kept explaining over and over what was happening. After a few days, the doctor said that we needed to get her off the ventilator, or we might not be able to. It took almost two full days for the sedatives to wear off. But when she finally woke up . . . the relief I felt was indescribable.

Because the doctors were worried that the narcotics she took for her pain had somehow contributed to the sudden drop in her her heartrate that resulted in her condition, they would not let her take any of her pain medications. She was in constant, unbearable pain. Just the week before, we had spent a wonderful Thanksgiving with her. She was feeling better than I had seen her in years. How could her condition change so dramatically in just a week?

As strange as it may sound, this experience has made me realize how truly lucky we are. My grandparents have been such an important part of my life. I am closer to them than most people are with their parents. They have been a constant in my life. When everyone else left me or let me down, they were there for me. I credit them with so many of the successes in my life. Without them, my life would have turned out much differently. Since my grandma first got sick three years ago, I have called her every day. There are very few days when we haven't talked. I cannot imagine a world without either of my grandparents. I love them so much.

Watching my grandpa take care of my grandma through all of this--not just this hospitalization, but over the last three years--has made me realize just how strong my grandparents' love is for each other. I am surer than ever that it is their good example that has led me to Rod. And Rod, wow, I didn't think I could possibly love him any more than I already did. But when I called him to tell him what was happening, he dropped everything to fly home, drove straight to Idaho, and stayed with me the whole time. I was overwhelmed with my love for him. He is an amazing man, who I don't deserve.

It was also very difficult to watch the families in the ICU waiting room. We became friends with many of them after spending so much time together during the week. A surprising number of them were there for young family members whose prospects of surviving were less than optimistic. I felt selfish when Grandma started to recover as the other patients died or took turns for the worse. Here they were, mourning a life unrealized, when my grandmother had lived a long full life and was making it through. My guilt was tempered, though, by the realization that no matter what obstacles we overcame this time, it is only a matter of time until something else happens.

This experience has forced me to take a closer look at life. It is short and unpredictable. I have been spending more time with my family. And I finally got up the nerve to ask my job for a leave of absence. I will be spending three months traveling through Africa, a trip I have wnated to do for a long time.

Thank you to those of you that are still checking this blog. I have been surprised by how many people have asked me about it. I hope to do better at updating.